In Vino Veritas
by DarkRiverTempest
Summary: Yes, in wine, there is truth. A series of highly questionable one-shots featuring multiple pairings. Warning: Het/Slash lemons and very bad spelling.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - PLEASE READ!** I'm following the example of fellow author, Unseenlibrarian, and posting my offerings to the LJ community, Firewhiskeyfic. The idea and point of this community is to write a piece of fiction while drunk. Drunk - as in I really didn't have a freaking clue as to what I was writing. I was just typing. No corrections were allowed, no beta. If you choose to read and review, I thank you ahead of time. However, **DO NOT SEND ME A REVIEW THAT CLEARLY SHOWS YOU DIDN'T READ THIS DISCLAIMER**. The stories are meant to be effed up, as I was on the designated nights. Each chapter will be a different pairing/story - all of them will contain questionable material. All of them are questionable period. But, if you need a laugh (as most people do, nowadays), hopefully you'll find that here. JK Rowling owns the characters and all that goes with them. I own the horrid plots and inebriated crap.

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It was cold.

That's all you need to know.

well, you'll need to know more, but I'm not telling you rightnow.

and because ist was cold, Harry/s nose was runnig. Not the snooty kind, that sounds grose when you sntort, but the kind that s'clear and dribbles just a little. gtet your mind out of the gutter withath penis imagry.

So, hew ent down to the sdungeons to get a cold remdedy from Snape, the mysterious sex god of the underworld (cause that's what the fandom schanged him into after he became a martyr). And lets get this straigth – Lily awas a bitch. Seriously.

I wasx gonig to go into a tangent on why I dislike her now, but that would take ups to omuch time.

So, Harry taravesersed donw the slipperey stesp to the slytherin dungeon. say that five times fsast. I did and sprained my tongue. heE wanted a potion that ewould end his miseries. Not those kind of miseries, the snotty nose kind. it was winter and Harry was the only gryffindor left in the whole of hargwarts after the school kids when home for the hols.. It was after the war, so there were lots of orphans. That has nothing to do with this story. It was just oen o fhtose things you should know at this point in the story. Well, maybe it does have to do iwth this story, but not now.

Eventually I got Harry down to the fucking dugneogns, and it took 250 words to get him there. He was a little peeved with me. So was Snape, for mkaing him answer the door. Oh, yeah... Harry nocked on the door. My spellin is shit at this point. Forgetaboutit.

"What do you want, Pooter?" Potter. Harry glarred at me for that mistake about his name, but I can't change sit because that would be like autocorrected and I'm just typing a sttream of conscience at this point. There's lots of points, evemutally some I'll get to.

"i have a cold. Do you have a potion?" Yes it was as easy as that.

"Of course I have a potion. Who do uyou think I am?"

harry looked him up and odwn with a lusty gleam. "One sexy devil?"

Snape looked at me, the author. "Really? that's what you come up with? That is pure pbollix. What the hell is thias puerile crap?"

How this is morphing inot a converstation with Harry, Snape and me, I have no idea. Just go twith it.

"Let's try this again, shall we.? And no reidicoutlous statements about my package."

Sure Snape, whatever you say.

"ytpical american."

I know. I'm a wannabe.

Okay, what the helL! back to the story.

Backed up, rewind. (those of you from the VCR days will understandthat)

"You are a potions master, Snape./ So quit being a git about it and give me some potin that will make my nose stop running."

"Whay is is running?"

Harry pointed out the window that mysteriously appeared in the middle of the subterrainian dungeon because I put it there. "Because it's snowing outside you wanker!" Us americans only know so many british epitaphs, its not like they are interchangable.

"You'll want to come into my office, I suppose?"

Harry gave him a look. I don't know what kind of look it was; maybe a 'why the hell are you writing me as insipid and stupid?' look. But that wouldn't go over well with snapw, so he just nodded. He followed the billoweing caped waizard into his potions lab and waiting by the expeiriement table.

There wrere all kinds of bubbly potions and chemickasl and gurlgling shit that freaking harry out as he sttood there. Snape poured this green goop intoa beaker (BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS! MEEP MEEP) and it started frothign an dfoamy like a rabid dog.

"FDrink this."

Harry looked like he would blow chunks." That is not a bullshitism, I sknow. "I'm not drinkintg that, it looks foggy."

"what sdoes the whispes of steams fcoming from the glass have to dow tih how it works?" Snape snapped? (and yes, I picture him snapping his fingers, getting down wit hs his bad self).

"I'll probably dturne into a newt."

"Not that's your test, not what I woudl turn you into.  
"

Reaally auhtor? What the hell is your probalem? Other thean thte fact you can't tyhpe at this point? Oh fuck it.

Snape and Harry fucked on the poitoins table.

The end.


	2. Chapter 2

And I'm back, once again with another inebriated fic. This one was done for another drunk community that is now defunct, so I thought I'd add it here. Threesome lemons... if you can read it. ;) Same disclaimer - you send me a stupid review, you're gonna get a stupid answer. I love you guys.

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_OAKSYD I HERARd a mruoutr_

_Oh shit _I hear a rumor! Said ePWwcw – I mean peeves.

What? Said said SnAPE IN ALL THIS shit caps, gdroa,lhe damn dglory, looking pale and trageic.

Ppeeves was flloating and said, " The houses are gonna have a huge snowebale fight."

klWhen"?

Soon... like tomorrow, the summer, oofps I mean weinter solstice. I shoudler have capitlizaetd theat.

The dstudents ddin't think ltheir teathcer or their perfoessor s were privvy to lkthe snowball fight amogntst all four hosues. Later on, they eteam up.

_Whell, damn italics._ "Well, I will stop themddd!" Snape cried, asaying midday.

When is winter soltice? The 12st always reing true. Look that sthit up - winter soltiec, god I'm watching garry oldeman in 5th oldeman element. He's a womanizer. Still waiting on results on winter soltice thing. Hello...? come on... hesuch a womanizer

The 7th yearsrs, knew their last chance at a house railvalyye santicfired contest, why the fuck... god damnit, when iy the winter soltice? Gotta check something out here? Why am I not getting enough jouce thie? TAKE ME THERE! Come one now!

WTF? What/? kFinad out when winter soltice is? OH DECMEBER 21st or 33ntd in the upper nothernsphere. She's already got the first 2 pages writtinge.d

The children were calling. They were screaming outside throwing balls of white shit at each other. OMG, that almost sounded coherent? OMG, I wrote that something sounds rithgt? OMG, I tcan't stope saying oMG. Wathaever.

GO ME! So SnAPE WHENT shit caps, gottat pee. So Snape when donwn tothe field where there was supposed ot be a snow fabbballle balgi gifighat godhmdam FIGHYT! Fshit. So then shioudl I switch to Hemrione 's PVOD, heahd ball. Stupid thing keeps going italicaes.

Yes, I know, I should switch POV.d No, this wont, be like that. I'M GOINT GHTATEER. Damn CAPS.

So, Snape whent out to the fieled where there were several snowballs were flying already in the mideay sshingy sun;.

kHErmione was packing asnow ball to slf;l;ing at Draco, but the minute she let ig goe, \it hit Professor... damn, Heamdaster Snape in the side of the head, knocking him on the ground, flat lklklout.

SHITE! She yelled, "It meant to hit the blonde boy overthere, you know... MALFOY!"

"Whell it din't hit me you mufdfblood smut!" IT hist my GODFATHER! Damn caps.

Draco looked tat eh man laying in the sjnow, spralled out lspread eagele. Space around them.

He looks like the Vitruvian man – MOG I spelle dthat right?_ you know, DAVinci ?

"You did this this to him GRNAGER!, you did this to my head of ouse and godfather!" Malfoy screamed, rounning out in the middle fo the fight to protecte his Snape

"Mahehahahahahah, he lookes like a Slytherin snow angel," Harry snickered (ist hat a candy barP?)kl I don;t know.

"More like a Slythering deveil," laughed Ron, smiling that stupid smile he always smile when he smiles. I wanna slap that off of him right now. He's got too big a lips and his eyelsashed are so red he looks like he doesn't hadve any. Stupid ron.

"He's not a slSYterhin devil or angel, "Cried Draco (who was only saved because his paren ts had like a a bagillion kldollear, oops, opouds or galleons or watherver. Bless you, my child.

"Then what is he?" Sneered Harry – his sneered was just like dRacos because he'd been watching tthe bloonde, likeing the look sof him, his angualr face and his nice tight, ribs? You know, that fellow is so fucking skinny you can feel his ribs if you hug him, serously.

Draco hooovered over his daddy wanna be. "Damn, I gots khicccups." No. That's not what he said. "He said, "He is the most wonderful man in thworld and enve though he wasnted to shag y9our mom, he didn't and let your dad do it because he was a nice guy – see where it sgot him? "

Herminone anooded. "I agree with Draoco, he's the most competent teachwer arouned, and that's saying somehitnhgn, cause you dknow Dumbuludore, he was a cagging dold meddler and he rprpoobbely touched youngt pulpit boys in their no – no place,loike thiose Muggle priests." Hail MARY full of adsGrace, the loRed is whith thieee... Idon't know the Lantin. I Shoudl,. I Like latin.

I can't stop these sdamn hiccups. The screenkeeeps moving. LOLLLLL.

So there Snae was, layid out lik ehe weas on his funneral pyer, you know, like the Norese gods and all their ilke? But ther ewe he was, surround ed by flinging snowoballs – not the balls on the lower part of male anatomy, or like that say over there in the big green UK, BOOOLLIOCKS, or is that twig and berries? NUTS!

So ther eere he was, laid out like he was dead in the freshhereekking shack. But he wasnt'd. Dead like the dead they thought he was when they left ass there, beleeding out . it was whorrrible, al lthat blood... I cried. Seriousl.y.

But, there he was... and since hwe was lknockered upside the head, he really only had Draco to keep care of him, since Harry sieeemed bound and edetermine d to keep hims enesless. Damn hicciups. SO Draco levitated his faorvorite professor and said, "Granger, wanna helpe me to to his office.?"

She llooked coyly at her nemeisissss. "Oh yes, I can help." WHAT kinda of helo p do you watn?"

Levitating his uncle... wait, his godfather, he kept going and led them away from the "KIDS" on the snowefield. "I say the kinda kelp you can give is of the healing kinda"

You said, "kinda three times... no, two'

"I said it twice." He levitated the headmaster up the dsatirs with Hermione following him, staring at his butt. Uhm, arese. Ass. Wahtever. I was trying to be British, even thought I am Amreican.

So they levitated the headmaster up the stairs an aorund the river bend, like pochantas, but it wasn'st her because she was in disdney... He was still out cold, so they laid him on the floor near his dedsk. Once they did, Draco turned to Hermione, smiling that damn sexy smile.

"Granger, you look good enoug h to fuck, but you're a mudlslut mblood, so all you'll be is a mistteress, not a wife or a lover. Wanna fuck in front of the unlce sevvy?" Draco asked, appracohging like he was the sex god that Slucius was. Like h'ed ev er bee that good. HAH!

But she was hard up and since Ronw ouldn't fuck her, she took him up onj his offer. "Yeah, right here ? Right now?:"

Draco looked at his goodfather and noticed that his left eyes was twitching, knowing he was awake. "Oh yeah, right here in front of thall the previous head masters and god."

"M'kay, I'm ocold and it will warm me up." She started taking off my coat. Not my coat, her coat.

He didn'at care what she looke dlike, but he saw that sSnape was practicatlly kdrooling with lust when he looked at her naked flaesh, all but waint gto doue the deed himself.

"Come sit on my lap, "Draco purred like a big jungle cat. HUYYYUUM!

Sheeding her slcothes, she promptely sat on his obvious errection and sighed in relifeee.f.

Snape groaned and wished it was him she was sitting on. HE was such a pervy bastard, but I'd do him in a heart beat, because I'm such al owly animal.

Up and down hEMrione rose and descenedinged, fulfilleing her, Draco's and Snapeds deesires, because I said so. Draco grabbed her hips and tried direction the flow of their cooupling, but Snapes said, "FASTER! I WANT TO COME!"

She turned around and smiled at him at that ppoint, and road the blond god in front of her faster so her former paotions master could cum all over himself, caoz she really thought that was hot!

"Come touchce me, Severus," she purerd, arching her back.

Luciud enough, he crawled to where the coupled wrere cooupoling and touched her arse/ass. "Such beautiflul flesh, I want to bite it!"

Then do it, "S he cried.!

He sanke his teeth in and it coauzexsd her to scream, tighting around Draco's lengthn, making him cum.

Both younger bpeople panted and waited until Severus grabbed Herimone and sank his own erection into her pulsing quim (I like that word, it's so tasteful). He pushed her up and downs severual times whiel she licked the mess from Draco's prick, gruntintg the entire time.

When her sheathe b egan to vibrate, she pulled him with her into another orgasm. WOO HOO! Draco and Severus in one go! *does happy dance*

So she looked over her shoulder and smile d at the man who survived. "Two are defintely better tahns one."


	3. Chapter 3

Third installment of drunken monkey antics. ;) I happened to win Least Coherent and Favorite Entry, so yay! Though, not sure how proud I should be about being least coherent. But, looking back on this one, I was VERY wasted - 6 pints of pale ale will do that to a person with no food in their stomach. The prompts were actually April Showers and the Easter Bunny. As you can see, I took it to a whole other level. Usual disclaimer: JKR would be appalled at how I treat her characters!

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**Title:** Here comces SNapey Cootontail  
**Author:** rivertempest  
**I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region:** yes, but I gotta go pee now  
**Pairing(s)/Characters:** Snape/Harry... sorta?  
**Challenge:** Easterer Bunndy and Papal SHowers  
**Summary:** (can be very brief/basic) Snapes shouls'ave never have agreed to do as Harry asdekd.  
**Rating/Warnings:** It started out PGT, but got R at the end?  
**Word count:**353 - word says  
**Author's Notes:** (if any) THis is all Lit's fault. THat, and I bought some KRispy KREME donuts today and HOP was on the box cover. Donuts are gone now, but that damn bunny is not.

Pleasesd, Severus?

Snape looked athte package Harry was holding. 'NO."

"But you promised the skids."

Snape wavesxd his tumnnbler full of awhiskey at Haary. "I'm pised Potter. If you want me to bet the goddamnn Easter fucker, it'll ahaven to be when sI'm sober."

HaARY PUSHED the stuff at Snape. "No, now. The egg hutn is now."

"I can't believe I Sagreed to do this stupid shit." SNpae muttered, slippionga into the pants.

"Dong' forget the head,' harry reminded.

Snape grabbed his bits and tuggesd. "Heresr mthe head, you ass."

"AND TAHE BNASKET."

Harry aleft before SNaopse could throw the fbottle of booze at him.

* * *

Daddy? Why does the easter bunny have blacka hair sticking from this neck?" ALbusre asked.

Harry groswaned. "HOrmans. Albus. HORmans. HORMONES. He aite super carrots."

"Dasdddy? Wahy I sthe Easterbunny throwing eggs at everyhoen?"

Harry shook his head. "Bea cuswe he's getting odl and can't ahide all the egs anymore."

"daddy? Why is the aEaster Bunny peein on mum's flowers?"

"WHAT?"

Harry ran over and grabbed Severus, causing athe man in the eSter bunny costume to turen and starting pissing on harry.

"What are you doing?"

Snape continued to pee ag agoldend shower on Potter. "You ewanted me to be hiere, Potter. Just remember theat."

"Daddy? Why is thae Easter bunny calling you potter and peeing on you?"

"Because your father likes being a spissed on, lilte boy!" the Snape bunny yelled.

"mommy! Daddy likes being pissed on byt ehEaster bunny!"

"EWWWW, thi s isn't chocolate," cried lily when she opened a plastic egg.

"Stop!" Harry shouted, which earned him a mouthful of piss.

(why he was on his knewws infront of the snappey bunny, we'll never know, but Clitteraryspell wanted a golden shower, and I'm all bout pleasinga that woman.) Not that way. The ESWother way.

"NO! You wanted me here, Potter, I'll statay here until i:"m done!"

"Carotta VERTO!" Ginny shouterd, pointing her wands at Snape's dick.

Suddently, SNope was holding a HUGE ass carrot at his cock.

And because Snape has a carrot for a dick now, Potter munches on it with Snapes ranch sauce.


End file.
